I’m doing a terrible job of making the good changes in my life that I keep promising myself. I don’t pity my emotions, but I certainly don’t condone any negativity either. I stand by the fact that despite the roller coaster ride that hasn’t slowed once in the last two months, I have remained hopeful and positive about my life and future. The past is haunting, yes. And I’m trying to bury it without condemning anyone because I’ve made the past my prerogative by eliminating its one certain feature. My blame is placed no where except on myself and that’s the problem. There is just no need for me to place it anywhere.
Upcoming changes I hope might redirect my feelings and deprecating thoughts—
- I decided to take a risk today. I’m moving into a new apartment with a new friend in a new town. There are no memories there that can hurt me but one, and it is my intent to remember why it was so good for me then because even in the wake of our separate lives, that past goodness is still good now.
- I am sitting down with my friend/coach/past teammate tomorrow night to talk seriously about training. Running competitively again isn’t scaring me anymore; thinking about it is actually quite exhilarating.
- I am writing. I am writing about the good and the bad and the everything and all of us in between and it is as equally empowering as it is powerful. I will learn how to be me again. I will learn how to listen to Dave again and I will stop throwing the bottoms of peppers away and I will, I will remember who I was before you and before her and before all of this mental disconnect. I will remember because I was once grand and there is no reason to doubt that I won’t ever be again.
Currently in search of a man who will sing me songs by a campfire, hike across mountains with a furry companion at our side, and plan adventures with me over our many morning cups of coffee.